I was sitting in one of my favorite Vietnamese restaurants during my lunch our. Within the garbled conversation and slurping of Pho noodles (pronounced fuh, not fo like “What’s up fo”?), I’d heard two middle-age men talking.

“Will they gain the life expectancy back with the time they put in the gym?” a salt-and-pepper haired man said.

“Not likely,” a chubby-cheeked man said.

“They’ve done studies where going to the gym doesn’t extend life expectancy but usually results in more injury,” salt and pepper said.

“It’s just a waste of time,” chubby cheeks said. “I have better things to do than spend my whole day at the gym.”

I wondered how much television they watched and how that was contributing to their quality of life. To some, a lot. To others who like to exercise and have passions outside of creating excuses for themselves, not much.

During my voluntary confinement in my 6 X 6 cubicle, what I’d like to refer to as my day job, my cube mate said, “I’m still carrying weight. I had him like a month ago.”

Her cube mate said, “It’s not like you’re a celebrity.”

One of the things I’ve done as a teacher, as an actor, and now a writer, is listen to what people say and do. You can read a lot about a person by what they’re saying. In both the above cases, excuses are being fed to themselves and each other about not doing something, exercise. But the excuses could’ve been anything:

“I don’t have time to pursue my art.”

“My passions aren’t going to pay for my bills.”

“It’s just a hobby. I can do it anytime. But with work, family…”

“I don’t even know where to begin. And who am I to think I can paint?”

“I don’t have them money to start this.”

I’ve definitely used excuses. What are they good for? Ultimately, excusing yourself from knowing the truth. What might that truth be? How powerful we are.

To attain anything great, we must first realize that we are capable. Once we become too entwined in our own self-doubt, we begin to create roadblocks that actually block us from moving forward.

I can’t tell you how many people widened their eyes and told me how impossible publishing a book can be. But the only way I can become a published author is to first write. If I don’t write and only focus on how difficult the road may be, I’ll never take the first step to get published. Does that mean those thoughts don’t occur in my head? No. I just focus on the task at hand, which is simply to write.

There are pundits at writing conferences that say you have to network, have a web presence, have white teef (teeth for you ghetto challenged), walk the walk, talk the talk, and be one with the all mighty universe (that would be Oprah) to get published.

Be as you wish to seem -Socrates

But none of that is important until I write. Writing to a writer is the most important task. Obvious write (right)? This simple philosophy is lost at writing conferences.

Propaganda.  We’ve all seen it.  Heard it.

“Elect me and I will save the world.”

“Read my lips:  no new taxes.”

I’ve worked in many corporations.  The one thing they all do is shell out propaganda.  They hail how innocent and awesome they are.

When I turn on my computer at work, the homepage is locked to our intranet webpage.  Every day we’re bombarded by propaganda.  Sometimes I feel chained.

So it was a bit entertaining for me to read an article my company posted about why teens are angry.  They even had a doctor share some advise.  I mean, he’s got a PhD.

“I think zombies are defined by behavior and can be “explained” by many handy shortcuts: the supernatural, radiation, a virus, space visitors, secret weapons, a Harvard education…”  -Roger Ebert in reviewing The Crazies.

The doctor’s article was a magnificently crafted and well written piece of crap.  I found one crucial thing missing.  And upon teaching and mentoring kids for most of my adult life, there has become no one-size-fits-all advice, save one.

Listening.

I had a student once whose parents put him under so much pressure to do well in high school that he was on the verge of suicide.  At first I thought, “What did I do?”  But it had been a year since the end of our sessions.  So I thought back to them to see what was the root cause of such destructive behavior.

My student and I had taken a walk one day and just talked.  My approach in teaching, despite coming from a very tier-structured martial arts background, was to view any student as an equal.  I’m not a teacher.  They are not students.  We are human beings.

The subject of ivy league education came up, something his parents expected of him.  I asked him if he wanted to go.  He answered yes.  There was a lot of trepidation in his voice.  So I asked him if he was sure.  He slumped his shoulder and said he really didn’t care about going to an ivy league school.  That he was happy to just receive a normal (whatever that means) education.

I presented what I’d learned to his parents and, of course, they were upset.  Like I had opened Pandora’s Box.

A couple years later, he was on the verge of suicide.

Being loving parents, they got the best help they could afford.  Interestingly enough, the parents were instructed to relieve all pressures of any kind, which included the pressure of school, and to allow him to express himself in anyway he wanted to.

Today, I’m very glad to say he’s thriving.

We talk so much about listening when in intimate relationships.  But we rarely talk about it when it comes to raising children.

I tell parents that their children are like people (wink wink).  Treat them like people.  Ask them how they feel.  What they want? Why do they want or feel that way?  Is there anything they need?  If not, let them know you’ll be there with no judgement.  For judgement is the lock that will shut the door to their children.

Be open with them, and they’ll be open with you.

In my lessons, I let my students, no matter the age, say what they want.  Swearing included.  I do give advice, if they want, but I tell them it’s up to them to follow it.  My mentoring process changes as they change, which is why I believe there is no one-size-fits-all guide to children.

Just listen.

A pet peeve of mine is people not listening to each other when they talk.  It’s one thing if passersby just greet each other.  But it’s another thing when I talk to a friend, and the next time I talk to them I have to repeat what I told them last time.  Weren’t you listening to me?  And if you weren’t interested, then why do you ask what I’ve been up to.  In listening to other people, I can tell who’s listening and who is only hearing.

Want to be more charismatic with people?  Listen.  It’s one of the biggest complaints women have of men.  But when I talk to women, a lot of them don’t listen.  And they wonder why guys don’t listen to them.

A couple of days ago I was in the lunch room.  Three ladies were sitting at a table.  A feast spread in front.  I was listening to them talk.  I do this a lot.  As a former student of acting, and now an author, I listen to people speak, toreadthem.  It’s a great way to learn what natural dialogue sounds like.  I’ve heard industry professionals theorize endlessly about natural dialogue, but just listening to others is the best way.  The best way to learn a new language is to submerge yourself in it.

But here’s another pet peeve of mine:

Lady #1:  Your son. He worked on Sunday?

Lady #2:  Well, you know, he, uh, you know, like, he works on Sundays, you know.

Lady #1:  Why?

Lady #2:  You know, he, you know, like, gets paid more, you know, um, Sundays. He even like, uh, worked on Mother’s day. You know? (laughs)

I can’t stand filler words.  I use them.  But not like that.  It was like watching the adult channel through all the fuzz because I wasn’t subscribed to it.  And this lady was in her fifties.  The above is exactly how she spoke.

One thing that authors have to keep in mind as we write dialogue is where the person comes from.  When researching for a character, there are several things that will affect their speech:  occupation, gender, age, culture, education, quirks, passions.  The list could go on and on, which can make writers go crazy trying to figure out speech patterns.  Lucky for us that 90% or more of speech is the same for everyone.

Dude #1:  Hey, wassup?  What you been up to?

Dude #2:  Man! Long time. Uh, not much. Just pluggin’ away, hangin’ out, terrorizing chics.

Dude #1:  Aw dude. I got this one chic…

The dialogue is fairly normal until the dudes rudely call women chics (wink), but a lot of guys do that.  But scenes aren’t made up of these normal everyday things.  Scenes usually get heated with conflict, tension, suspension.  So if we look at two guys who’re betting against each other, ten thousand dollars on the line on a basketball game, they’ll not only use lingo that pertains to basketball.  Their speech will get excited as the teams battle back and forth.

Heed the endless babbling of industry professionals as they theorize about dialogue.  But it’s way better and much more fun listening to others.  Read them.  Create mini stories as you listen.  I do this every day.

If you want to learn specific techniques about dialogue, check outBeyond Structure.