I was talking to my best friend, whose wife had just given birth to a son, about the best way to practice writing. Taking heed to Buddha’s words, I said dive into the work. He went on to tell me his preferred method. That he analyzed other writers’ work to find what made it click. That he worked with a writing coach. That he practiced specific techniques that he found valuable. And that practicing needed to be perfect practice.

I then calmly asked him, “What the hell is perfect practice?”

To me, it sounded like you couldn’t make mistakes while practicing when it’s really the best time to make mistakes. It’s those mistakes that we make in practice or immersed in our work that can give us some of the most profound insights. I told him there’s no one correct way of doing anything well.

It’s the geniuses, the innovators that create the rule, the market. Just look at the world of media. We have books and TV shows about wizards and vampires and wolves.

When I had my teaching and mentoring business, I was all about changing behavior. Shit. I was one of the laziest people I knew. I watched TV to no end. I had little passion for anything, or at least I thought I had little passion for anything. I slept for most of the day when I could. That was the life! Then something changed. A yearning grew. Not that yearning. Well…not the place to discuss.

I started to think about the things I wanted. Things I wished to accomplish. And somehow I was disciplined enough to go to the gym, write, have a social life, teach, and still have free time to just chill. How did I become disciplined? Hell if I know.

Actually, they were things that I wanted to do. Loved to do. I mean going to the gym was easy. There’s a lot of hot chicks there.

During the years that I taught, I made a slow discovery. As awesome a teacher as I was, I couldn’t make my students do anything. Yes, they listened to me. Yes, they behaved when I shushed them. But they eventually fell back to their shenanigans.

What I could do was listen to them, guide them toward their own well being, help them realize their own potential in real time physical exercises, and help them realize what they truly wanted in life. Their behavior was outside of my reach, outside of anyone’s reach, except their own.

One parent came up to me and was extremely concerned about her child’s time management skills. He loved to procrastinate. She was my client, so I did my best to try and change that behavior, asked him why he procrastinated, gave him specific things to do to swerve him from waiting till the last minute.

He made the changes for a day. Then he reverted back to his old ways. His grades never improved from the mostly A’s and B’s he already received. I know, I know.

Now in college, I asked him how school was going. He loved it, tried a slew of different things, as I suggested, so he could have a better idea of what he might love to do in life. I asked him how his grades were. Mostly A’s and B’s.

I asked him if he was ok with that. Totally fine, he answered.

Do you still procrastinate, I asked. He reluctantly nodded.

I laughed, told him that this was his method and that it seemed to work. If he felt bad about his grades, that he wanted to improve, then changes may need to be made (depending on why he felt bad). Since everything was fine, there was nothing to do but catch up on old times.

I had told my best friend this story, as he’s also close to this family, and the silence on the phone meant he didn’t agree.

He has his way toward excellence. I have mine. And as long as those methods work for us without any feelings of guilt or anxiousness, but with peace of mind, then whose to say that were wrong?

If you’ve read my bio, you’ll know that I’ve taught martial arts/sexual assault prevention for 16 years.  More than half of the people I taught were kids of all ages.  Eventually, I came to disagree with the one size fits all treatment way of teaching.  The problem comes from looking at a group class and not see the individuals.  Soon I’d started my business of teaching privately, focusing on the individual.

Kids represent an interesting puzzle.  They’re very much like adults.  They think about adult things, they try and act on adult decisions, but many times they don’t have the wisdom or knowledge on how to go about it.  This is where the parent is essential.  Here’s what I’ve learned from teaching hundreds upon hundreds of kids:

1. Always listen.
   • Specifically listen for words that’ll indicate whether they need your help or not.  Sometimes kids, just like adults, need to let go of the thousands of thoughts that go through their minds.
   • If you can’t read whether they need help or not, then ask them.
2. Listen without judgment.
   • Parents always complain to me about their kids losing their trust.  I think it’s even worse to lose the trust of your child.  Lose the trust of your child, you lose the ability to truly help.
   • If your child has done drugs, had sex, drank alcohol, it may come down to a couple of things.
     • They’re dealing with issues of emptiness, loneliness, nonacceptance, isolation, etc.  Some form of connection has been lost.  It’s the reason why kids of divorced parents tend to succumb to things like drugs, or kids join gangs, or kids seeking sex to feel that lost connection.
     • They’re being forced to do something they don’t want to do.  The source of this could be a parent forcing them to do well in school, molestation of some kind, nagging  adults – parents, coach, teacher, bullying.  One thing that most parents or adults realize is that kids know what they want and don’t.  That doesn’t mean you don’t guide them to do well in school, or go to sleep at a reasonable hour, or talk to them about sex, drugs, alcohol.  But decisions on social activities, academic activities, family activities should be a dialogue between parent and child.
3. Ask questions.
   • Whether they’ve threw up all their problems, or keep quiet, ask questions.  Even if they don’t say anything, it will open up lines of communication.  But please ask questions on what they’ve talked about first.  Once and if they’ve answered those, then a door may be opened for you to ask other questions that may concern you.
   • If they ask you what you think or what to do, turn the question around and ask them.  This is a really great way of finding out how mature your child is.  Many times I’ve found that my client knew what to do, but didn’t know if it was correct.  If they’re solution to their issue made sense, I’d congratulate them for coming up with it, then I’d agree.
   • Follow up with them to see if they’ve followed through.  Again, listen, don’t judge, ask questions, and guide them.
4. If your kids don’t have any serious issues like having sex too early, use of drugs, etc, then you’ve got a great kid.  Again, most of the parents I work with don’t count their blessings.  They focus on what their kids don’t have.  “They got a B instead of an A.”  So what?  They’re healthy, happy, and in your life.  Remember, you wanted to have kids.
5. Last tip, view your kids as adults.  They may not be 18, but their core characteristics will remain for the rest of their lives.  There was a study that stated once a child is three years old, their personality had been developed and ingrained.
   • This brings up an important point.  Start discipline early.  Too many times I’ve seen spoiled children run over their parents.